Out of Control

So, I'd be remiss if I didn't blog a bit about my struggles with food - and not just the typical struggle with non-vegan ingredients.

I am - and have been for as long as I can remember - a compulsive overeater. Photos of me throughout my life are a testament to this. It's hard to pinpoint what year any given picture was taken based on how I looked; I've weighed close to 200 lbs within the same year I've weighed 140. And even 140 isn't thin on my 5'2 frame.

I'm somewhere in the middle now. And while I'm ok and feel hopeful that veganism will eventually help me reach a healthy weight without depriving myself of too much. However, deprivation and exercising discipline are two very different things, and I'll admit I rarely participate in either.

I've been reading about caloric intakes, what's normal and what's not. Finding that I should be eating about 2,000 calories per day, I've started tracking what I eat. Not only does it NOT help me, but I become completely overwhelmed and find myself binging at the end of the day because "I'd already screwed up the day, so why not??"

Today, for instance - it is merely 11:30 am and I've already devoured 850 calories. So I panic. I think "how am I going to make it through lunch or dinner with only 1150 calories?" And miraculously I begin feeling hungry again. I know it can't be real - I can't TRULY be hungry - I just ate a banana, a bagel, jelly, blackberries, and mixed nuts in the last two hours. But what is it that triggers me to want more food? Emotions?? Even if I can pinpoint what it is that makes me eat, how do I change it? What can I do?

Unfortunately, I don't have an answer. But below are the signs of a compulsive eating disorder. I meet every... single... one:

-Binge eating
-Continuing to eat, even when you're full
-Eating rapidly during binge episodes
-Not able to control eating and thoughts of eating
-Feeling depressed, disgusted or upset about your eating
-Feelings of no self control while overeating
-Uncomfortable eating in public, or with others
-Chronic dieting
-Believing that life will be better when they lose weight
-Withdrawing from activities because of embarrassment about weight
-Social and professional failures attributed to weight
-Feeling tormented and trapped by eating habits
-Weight feels like focus in life
-Mood swings. Depression. Fatigue.
-Insomnia. Poor Sleeping Habits.

Not So Happy Eating,

The VP