Friday, February 12, 2010

I'm Addicted to Food and I Don't Know How to Stop

I can't stop. Last night was the worst it's been in awhile. At one point I actually couldn't breathe. My heart rate was quickened and I kept having to get up to almost throw up. But I kept right on coming back to the food....

I just feel so ashamed. I saw my reflection in the subway window today and besides appearing bloated from everything I shoved down my throat yesterday, there was a look of desperation. Like - no one knows this secret about me. These people would be appalled if they knew what I'd done last night.

I ate:
3/4 of a loaf of Irish sodabread (not even vegan) smothered in earth balance.
An entire bag of salted organic popcorn. When I say bag, I mean a regular family-sized bag.
About 20 Newman's Own vegan cookies.
1/2 a pint of Soy ice cream (I usually eat the whole thing without a problem but fell asleep while it sat on my nightstand - it is through no will of my own that I didn't finish the whole thing).

I'm sick today. I feel awful. I can feel my belly move when I walk. All I want to do is cry.

I don't know how to stop.


  1. Oh, VP, I wish I could come hug you. I feel like I know exactly where you are right now. It's an awful feeling. I know I mentioned the IOWL podcast on my last comment and one episode talked about making the dif - decreasing the duration, intensity and frequency of each binge session. Maybe try not to beat yourself up about it too much and just focus on trying to do a little better next time. I am wishing you a day of healthy eating and feeling good about yourself.

  2. Thank you so much, SP. And thank you for the recommendation of the podcast, I'm going to try it soon.

  3. I just came across your blog...I suffer from these binges too...and I 2nd that you should check out the IOWL podcasts! They've really helped me over the past year since I've discovered them. I also recently found this website:
    It's a great community of people and so supportive. I can relate to this post so much..I could have written it. I admire you for being so open and are not alone!! Good luck and focus on the mostly healthy food decisions you make, rather than the occasional slip-up...I find that helps.

  4. I have been reading When Food is Love by Geneen Roth for the last few days and GOD, does it speak to me. It is helping so much.

    Thank you for your suggestions! I'll check out today!

  5. Dear VP,

    I understand what you are going through. I joined Overeaters Anonymous ( to help me face my eating behaviors. I have found so much support and personal recovery in just a year or so.

    Food addiction is like any other addiction, but is more insidious because we HAVE to eat. This 12-step program has helped thousands of people find help and recovery. It is not a diet and calories club though!

    I have heard many members in the program who tried to use "exercise bulimia" to lose weight. They all mentioned they compulsively overexercised to try to counteract the effects of their binges, but the minute they stopped exercising (due to an injury say) then all the weight came right back.

    An addiction is a mental obsession + a physical allergy. You might also read the "Big Book" from Alcoholics Anonymous ( We substitute only the words "food" and "compulsive overeating" for "alcohol" and "alcoholism".

    I hope you find some relief from the pain you are experiencing. If you want to talk you can visit me on my blog.


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